Blood Turns To Alcohol
by Kames all the way
Summary: All I ever asked for was his love, so when I didn't have it I had to stop the pain. I didn't know how good it felt until the end. The way the blood turned into alcohol, then the cycle started all over again. Self-Harm involved! There may be character death...


_**Authors Note: Hello there peeps. I actually really enjoyed writing this story for you guys even if i did listen to this song for 3 hours straight. It was totally worth it though. I hope you enjoy. :)**_

_**Give Me Love**_

_**James' POV:**_

Here i am, alone, depressed and most importantly unloved. Ive been laying down on my bed with a razor in my hands for who knows how many hours now and apparently nobody cares because no one has come to check up on me. Not even my boyfriend.

You may be thinking something along the lines of why my boyfriend hasn't come to check up on me and the answer is fairly simple, jo.

Jo is his cover girlfriend. He didn't want to come out to everybody, not even our two best friends carlos an logan. We didn't even tell his mom. Apparently i'm not good enough to be seen with out in the world.

Something else that bothers me is how he shows her love in ways he doesn't show me. Why cant he give me love like her.

He would buy her flowers all the time, cuddle with her, hold her hand, take her on romantic dates, even give her sweeter kisses.

Why cant he give me that kind of love. He always says i love you, but after a while i stopped believing it and even saying it back. After a while i even started to cut in order to let go of the pain.

No one has noticed any of it. Not my depression and especially not my cutting. It also doesn't help that nobody is here at 11 in the night because carlos and logan are off sleeping while my boyfriend is off at jo's house.

Yeah you heard me right, i don't even get to sleep with my boyfriend. I have to go through the pain of going asleep alone as well as waking up alone. I spend most of the night with tears streaming down my face and blood rolling down my wrists until i cant do it anymore and fall asleep.

Ive even told kendall, thats my boyfriends (supposedly) name, about how i cry at night, but all he says is that i need to be strong or that soon he will come out.

This has been happening for the past 2 months and i seriously cannot take it anymore.

Tonight i'm planning on spending the night forgetting about my worries and dancing 'till my legs give out, but first i need some of the pain o go away. Even though i know that i should stop cutting myself the voice in my head doesn't let me.

_Worthless. _One cut.

_Pathetic._ Two cuts.

_Unloveable._ Five cuts.

As i cut myself tears stream down my face letting more of the pain go. I don't stop until i only feel like the cutting is hurting and not taking pain away.

I quickly go into the bathroom and wash away the blood with some warm water. It stings, but i learned to be numb to the pain. Next, i grab some bandages and put them over everyone of my cuts after disinfecting them.

After i finish in the bathroom, i go to my closet and get out some clothes to wear. After i put them on i grab my phone, keys, and wallet and head out the door. No one probably even noticed i left.

As i get into the car i start driving towards a random bar to get drunk in. Once i reach a bar i parked and got out of the car. I pulled out my I.D for the bouncer to see and he let me in. Once inside i went over to the bar and sat down.

"Hey there what can i get you" the bartender said to me. I don't know if he was trying to flirt but ill flirt back anyways.

"How about a shot along with a side of you" i said while winking at him. His face turned red at my comment and i felt my charm working.

"Umm, i can do the first one, as for the second one ill let you know" he said while pouring me a shot in a tiny glass vile.

"James Diamond" i said while reaching out my hand.

"Dak Zevon, pleasure to meet you" he said shaking my hand.

"Of course. Now how about another round" i said as i gulped the liquid down in one gulp. I was planning on forgetting everything tonight so that meant drinking as much as possible.

"Sure" i heard dak say. As dak was getting me another drink i eyed the dance floor and locked eyes with one of the guys dancing. He motioned for me to come over so i had two more shots and headed towards his direction.

Once i got there he grabbed my waist and pulled me closer. I allowed it and turned around, grinding my back against his front. I heard him groan so i knew that this wouldn't be hard.

Soon i was drunk and was in the middle of the dance floor with everyone surrounding me. I was about to go grind on someone when i felt a tug at my wrist. I hissed in pain and looked at the person griping me tightly, it was kendall and he had an angry expression.

"Hey kenny, whats up" i said trying to lighten the mood. He didn't say anything, instead he dragged me out of the bar and once outside he threw me into the car and demanded the keys. I gave them to him and climbed into the passengers seat.

The drive home was deadly silent an i was intending to keep it that way. I really didn't feel like explaining what i was doing at a club at what seemed like 3 in the morning which is what the clock at the front of the car said.

As we reached the Palm Woods i exited the car and headed towards the elevator. Kendall stayed quiet the entire time so i knew that once we reached the apartment all hell was going to break loose. I prepared myself as the elevator door opened and i made my way towards the apartment with kendall in front. Once inside kendall shoved me towards our shared room and locked the door behind us.

"Would you mind telling me what the fuck you were doing at a bar at 3 in the morning!" kendall said as he stared at me. I flinched at his voice but i knew that i couldn't show weakness.

"I was trying to have fun while you weren't here!" i yelled back looking straight into his eyes. As i looked into his eyes i saw a bit of hurt flash across his face but at that moment i didn't really care because i was hurting so much more inside.

"James you know that if it was up to me i would stay here with you" he said in a softer tone but that only angered me more.

"Thats the thing kendall, it is up to you, but all you care about is appearances" i bellowed, he was not going to get me to apologize, not this time.

"James you know if i could i would, but then there would be the risk of losing your dream and our fans" he said to me.

"You know what kendall i'm tired of you playing the dream card and ditching me everyday to go hang out with jo" i said. I was sick an tired of everything, especially not receiving love from his "boyfriend".

"And you don't even know how i feel anymore. Tell me kendall how would you feel if i ditched you everyday to go be a couple with some other guy or girl" i said putting him in my position.

"Jamie you know thats not fair i-" i cut him off not wanting to hear his crap.

"How would you know whats fair when you give jo all your love and me none of it. All i ask of you is for you to give me love but lately you cant even do that" i said, tears swelling up in my eyes.

"Jamie you know i love you an i'm sorry if you feel as if i don't give you love anymore. I promise you that we will come out soon and that way you will be able to receive my love anywhere" kendall said as if that what going to make everything better.

"You know what kendall, thats what you you always say, but thats the thing you only say and you don't take action" i said trying to fight back the tears.

"So you want me to show you action huh?" kendall said to me with a small smile forming on his face. I didn't know what he was planning but i nodded anyways.

The next thing i knew he crashed his lips into mine. Its been so long since i felt those soft lips on mine. I immediately responded bak and grabbed the back of his neck in order to deepen the kiss. I felt his tongue run over my bottom lip and i knew he was asking for entrance which i gave happily. I moaned as i felt his wet muscle roam places unknown in my mouth. I then tried to take his shirt off but was stopped by a pair of hands and felt his lips pull away.

"Whats wrong" i asked wanting to know why this stopped.

"I have to go back to jo" he said.

"Are you kidding me" i said, not believing what he just said.

"Why cant you give me a little time" i said in a sad tone.

"Im sorry, but i promise you tomorrow we'll spend the whole day together" he said, as he pecked my lips and exited the room.

_***Line Break***_

Today, for the first time in a while, i woke up feeling happy. Even though i woke up alone i know that i wont tommorow. i cant wait to spend the day with kendall and for once not cut myself or go out to get drunk.

I got up from my bed and made my way to the bathroom in order to get ready for today. I grabbed my towel and went inside. After i stripped myself of my clothes i turned to the mirror and looked at my reflection.

_Hideous i dont know why kendall wants you._

Shut up he loves me.

_No he doesnt if he did he wouldve told everyone about your relationship and not cared about the haters._

No he just wants me-

_Wants you to what live your dream. Sorry to disappoint you but no he never loved you because your unloveable. No one has ever given you love not your mom, not your dad, and especially not kendall because hes too busy giving someone else his love so why dont you do them all a favor and just kill yourself._

No i wont i'm spending the day with kendall and i'm going to receive love so just shut up and leave me alone.

After that i turned the water on and got inside. I took a quick shower and washed my i got out i brushed my teeth and fixed my hair so it looked perfect for kendall.

After i exited the bathroom i got out my outfit for the day and put it on. As i finished i sent kendall a quick text saying i was ready and waited for a reply. About ten minutes later i got one, but not one i wanted.

_**Im sorry i cant make it, todays jo's birthday and she wanted to spend the day with. Im sorry i promise ill make it up to you -K**_

_**Ok i guess, well have fun - J**_

_**I love you - K**_

I didn't know what to do. I cant believe he blew me off again for that bitch jo. I wanted to punch a wall, better yet i went to the bathroom and looked for a razor. I finally found one and headed towards my bed.

I picked up my Ipod and put on my music. once it started i started cutting. The blood running down my arms felt relieving in a good way. I felt alive, better yet i don't know how but i felt loved. I kept cutting and relieving myself until no more blood came out.

After what was hours of sitting there in my own puddle of blood, i got up and headed towards the bathroom. I washed the blood off of my arms and cleaned them up. Afterwards i bandaged them then went out to the room and changed my clothes because the other ones were dirty of my blood.

I decided to head out again in order to forget. I honestly didn't care if kendall would be mad at me, at least ill get some attention and if kendall didn't come for me then ill find a guy to sleep with.

I headed towards the same bar i went to yesterday and went to get a drink. I saw that there was a different bartender which kinda bummed me out, but then i saw dak sitting at one of the booths. I made my way over to him and gave him a smile when he looked at me.

"Hey whats up" i said to him while ordering a beer.

"Nothing just trying to get over someone" he said.

"Looks like we have similar problems. Except in my case i have someone, but they show me no love. Tonight i'm deciding wether he's worth it or not" i said, trying not to sound to broken up about it.

"Oh yeah and how are you planning on deciding" dak said while starring at me.

"Like this" i said while pulling him in 'till our lips touched. He didn't seem to object because he kissed me back right away. It didn't feel the same as kendall which at this point was a good thing. I ran my hands through his soft brown locks and pulled him impossibly closer, trying to deepen the kiss. I felt him grab the back of my neck and i licked his bottom lip, looking for entrance which he granted. I pulled him onto my lap and started to roam the inside of his mouth with my tongue as well as swallowing all of his moans.

"Excuse me but you cant do that here" a voice interrupted me actions. I pulled away and got up while still holding dak which he wrapped his legs around my waist to make it more comfortable.

I made my way towards my car and opened the door. Once inside i started the car deciding i wanted to wake up next to dak. As i was driving dak turned to me and talked.

"So how is this gonna help you decide exactly" he said to me.

"Well what would you say if i asked you to be my boyfriend" i said turning to look at him for a moment.

"Well i don't really know you, but i would say yes" he said while blushing a bit.

"See i need someone who can give me the love i need to survive and kendall, my boyfriend, isn't supplying any, so if i break up with him i would need someone who can love me" i said.

"Well if i was your boyfriend i would never leave your side an you would be my number one priority" he said.

"I could get used to that, would you sleep over and be there when i wake up" i said trying to see if this was a good choice.

"Of course, why wouldn't i" he said looking a bit confused.

"No reason we're here anyways" i said avoiding the subject.

Once i got out of the car i immediately grabbed dak and lifted him up making him wrap his legs around me. I started to make out with him while making my way towards the apartment. I ignored all the looks i got because i honestly didn't care.

As i opened the door to the apartment i was greeted with kendall and jo on the couch. I didn't even care how heart broken kendall looked i just went up the stairs towards the bedroom and threw dak on the bed.

We immediately began taking off our clothes, but once we were down to only our pants kendall came rushing through the door.  
He pushed dak out even while i was complaining and then he locked the bedroom door.

"Why the hell did you do that for" i asked while staring at kendall.

"Because i'm your boyfriend and i just saw you making out with someone else, who you were gonna do so much more with if i wasn't here to stop you. What the hell were you thinking" kendall yelled at me. I could hear the hurt and anger in his voice, but again i couldn't find it in myself to care. How dare he expect me to just wait around until he feels like he's ready and see him with someone else.

"Oh so now i'm your boyfriend. It took me being with someone else for you to call me that. I did that because i needed to feel loved. You weren't here and i got lonely for two months so i went and found someone else. Its not my fault that you cant love me, so i had to get love somewhere else" i said in a harsh tone.

"You know what fine whatever bye" he said while walking out of the door.

I cant believe it he left me again. This time i didn't hesitate to go to the bathroom and find the razor, Before starting to cut i put my ipod on and groaned when i heard what sone came on. It was _Give Me Love_ by Ed Sheeran and with that i put the song on loop and started to cut.

At first it felt good, but then it started to hurt. I didn't care though, i just kept cutting and cutting. I didn't realize what i had done until i was done. On both my arms were the same inscription written by the blade. I now know that after today i don't wanna live again so instead of going to clean my bandages i kept cutting all around my body. Each part of my body had the same words written on them and i knew that the message would be understood.

I knew that no one would question why i did it because the answer was all over my body. I knew one person who would read it loud and clear. With that name in my head i felt the blackness take over and i didn't fight it. I was tired of fighting it, so with that i let everything go. The last thing i heard was metal hit the floor.

_***Line Break***_

Kendall's POV:

I cant believe that he cheated on me. I know that i haven't been the best boyfriend lately, but was i so bad that it made james need to cheat on me. Then again he always told me that i didn't give him love and that he did it because he needed to. Still that doesn't justify cheating on me. As i kept thinking i bumped into someone. I looked up and saw that it was the guy that james wAs making out with.

"Umm, hey" he said to me.

"Why are you still here" i said while crossing my arms over my chest. I asked jo to leave before i went to talk to james so i didn't have to worry about her.

"Well believe it or not me and james did talk before all of this happened so i wanted to go check on him" he said putting on a serious face.

"Oh really, did he mention he had a boyfriend" i said trying to see if this guy knew something about why james did this.

"Actually he said that tonight he was going to decide wether it was worth being with his boyfriend for a while until he gave him love or if he was going to find someone new. He even asked me out and questioned what i would do if i was his boyfriend. Obviously you haven't shown him any love so don't be mad that he decided to find it somewhere else" he said to me. My heart clenched at his words. I cant believe james was going to dump me because i didn't show him that i loved him. I should've known something was up when he stopped saying i love you back to me.

"W-what, n-no your l-lying, james would n-never break u-up with m-me" i said as tears gathered up in my eyes.

"Well why don't we just go and ask him" he said as he gestured towards the stairs. I stared at him, but complied and climbed up the stairs with him following behind. Once i reached the door i gasped at what i saw and my heart stopped along with my breathing.

Laying down on his bed was james with cuts all over his body saying the same thing. I also heard his ipod playing a song that i've never heard before, but it was saying the same thing engraved on james' beautiful skin.

Give me love.

"Kendall, Kendall!" i heard a voice say.

I jumped up and found myself on my bed. I looked around and saw logan walking out of the door. I immediately got up and went to ask where james was.

"Hey guys wheres james" i asked logan who was hugging carlos. Apparently it was the wrong thing to say because carlos and logan both gave me a cold glare.

"That isn't funny kendall" logan said while trying to comfort carlos who began sobbing.

"Whats wrong with carlos and seriously wheres james" i said trying to figure out what was wrong.

"You don't remember do you" logan said as he looked up at me with a sympathetic look.

"R-Remember what" i said nervously and hoping it wasn't what i was thinking it was.

"He killed himself 3 years ago remember, you and some guy found him on his bed already dead."

"No, no, no, no, no" i said while backing away slowly and rushed out the door and towards the car. As soon as i got in i headed towards the grave yard hoping logan was lying. Once i arrived i started looking around until i saw the name that made my heart clench painfully.

There on a headstone was engraved James Diamond, loving son and friend. I felt tears slip out of my eyes as i fell on my knees and remembered what was written all over james' body.

All he wanted was to be loved. Thats all he ever talked about. His favorite phrase was that.

_Give me love._

**_The End~_**

**_And that is how it ends. I honestly had many different endings but ended up with this one because my best friend told me to. I hope you enjoyed reading it. Please review it would make my day. Well goodbye for now. :)_**


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